1 00:00:06,570 --> 00:00:10,470 I'm Amy, a life coach and personal growth mentor. 2 00:00:11,670 --> 00:00:16,890 Your listening to Roots Change, a grow with me podcast. 3 00:00:17,220 --> 00:00:17,580 Yep. 4 00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:23,370 I'm willing to share my journey and hopes it helps you in yours. 5 00:00:27,555 --> 00:00:33,075 There's something that most of us do and don't really talk about. 6 00:00:33,705 --> 00:00:40,265 We watch other people in restaurants or at work or park, 7 00:00:40,575 --> 00:00:43,995 talking and smiling and laughing. 8 00:00:44,565 --> 00:00:46,155 And we think to ourselves... 9 00:00:46,995 --> 00:00:48,044 I wish I had that. 10 00:00:49,194 --> 00:00:53,735 As human beings, we all long to be part of a thriving community. 11 00:00:53,855 --> 00:00:55,235 It's in our DNA. 12 00:00:55,265 --> 00:00:56,824 It's part of who we are. 13 00:00:57,125 --> 00:01:04,205 We need relationships and often the relationships that we have and the 14 00:01:04,205 --> 00:01:09,155 types of relationships we want are light years away from each other. 15 00:01:10,295 --> 00:01:14,880 We might have some, but almost a hundred percent of the time 16 00:01:14,910 --> 00:01:18,630 whenever this conversation comes up, it's the same thing. 17 00:01:19,050 --> 00:01:26,250 We all wish we had more deeper connections, meaningful conversation. 18 00:01:26,490 --> 00:01:31,620 Someone you can go and do those things with and we don't get them. 19 00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:33,660 Why do you think that is? 20 00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:39,735 Seriously, I can only speak for myself and a few minutes I will, but 21 00:01:39,735 --> 00:01:44,955 I challenge you to do a little soul searching today to figure out why 22 00:01:44,955 --> 00:01:50,925 you don't have the relationships, the community that you crave right now. 23 00:01:51,375 --> 00:01:55,155 This is something that I have wrestled with for years. 24 00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:58,080 Part of me felt guilty. 25 00:01:58,410 --> 00:02:05,220 Like it's shameful to wish you had an abundant community. 26 00:02:06,030 --> 00:02:10,890 Like, it means something negative about the people in our life if we want to 27 00:02:10,890 --> 00:02:13,950 invite more in, and that's nonsense. 28 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:18,510 That guilt might keep friends from talking about this topic with each 29 00:02:18,510 --> 00:02:20,520 other and I think that's a shame. 30 00:02:21,345 --> 00:02:24,255 I think it's a shame that we can't connect with the people close 31 00:02:24,255 --> 00:02:25,845 to us and say, you know what? 32 00:02:26,175 --> 00:02:30,885 I really wish I had someone I could connect with on this level. 33 00:02:31,515 --> 00:02:36,735 Or I really wish I could share my love of this activity with like-minded people. 34 00:02:37,105 --> 00:02:38,365 There's nothing wrong with that. 35 00:02:38,695 --> 00:02:43,015 In fact, by keeping our mouths closed and not talking to each other, 36 00:02:43,345 --> 00:02:47,965 we are not empowering our friends and family to start getting honest 37 00:02:47,965 --> 00:02:50,344 about the community that they crave. 38 00:02:50,739 --> 00:02:54,670 If we start having these conversations, we're giving each other permission 39 00:02:54,670 --> 00:02:56,620 to go out there and get it. 40 00:02:57,220 --> 00:02:58,420 And that takes courage. 41 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:02,170 We often don't have the relationships that we want because 42 00:03:02,170 --> 00:03:03,910 we're scared to go after them. 43 00:03:04,359 --> 00:03:06,370 This is my truth. 44 00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:07,750 It might not be yours. 45 00:03:08,304 --> 00:03:11,994 I was a habitual offender of, "I wish I had that... 46 00:03:12,054 --> 00:03:14,964 I wish I had those types of friends". 47 00:03:14,994 --> 00:03:22,644 I felt like shit most of the time when it came to friendships, even when it came to 48 00:03:22,644 --> 00:03:25,075 relationships I had with my own family. 49 00:03:26,049 --> 00:03:32,649 I oftentimes would wish we did this or that, or could talk about things that 50 00:03:32,649 --> 00:03:36,429 we didn't really talk about it, or frankly, that I could just be myself with 51 00:03:36,429 --> 00:03:38,829 everybody who I chose to engage with. 52 00:03:39,399 --> 00:03:46,030 So yes, this is something that I have wrestled with most of my life. 53 00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:50,620 The relationships I had and the relationships I wanted 54 00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:53,140 were not always a match or... 55 00:03:53,949 --> 00:03:59,709 There is a whole lot of, more of me to go around and I noticed the lack a lot. 56 00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:05,919 So the truth is the reason I didn't have what I wanted 57 00:04:06,369 --> 00:04:08,589 was I told myself I couldn't. 58 00:04:09,099 --> 00:04:13,419 I kept myself from the relationships I desired because I didn't 59 00:04:13,419 --> 00:04:14,919 believe I could have them. 60 00:04:15,129 --> 00:04:18,549 I didn't believe I was worthy of having them. 61 00:04:19,299 --> 00:04:20,880 I didn't even think I could. 62 00:04:21,730 --> 00:04:25,240 Literally, I truly did not believe I could. 63 00:04:25,750 --> 00:04:31,900 I had settled in to this is as good as it gets and it's not my fault. 64 00:04:34,539 --> 00:04:39,190 How the hell was I supposed to know what I was doing, which by the way 65 00:04:39,190 --> 00:04:41,590 was self-sabotaging and a huge way. 66 00:04:42,039 --> 00:04:46,080 I was in an almost constant state of suffering. 67 00:04:46,570 --> 00:04:53,650 The Amy that I presented to the world and was at war with internally was the 68 00:04:53,650 --> 00:04:58,960 result of a lot of unhealed trauma, a completely skewed understanding of 69 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,239 how things really work in this slide. 70 00:05:02,245 --> 00:05:04,495 And a ton of conditioning. 71 00:05:05,275 --> 00:05:13,405 It was 2018, I think before I got honest with myself and even 72 00:05:13,555 --> 00:05:19,705 acknowledged that I was afraid of trying to love the life that I have. 73 00:05:20,545 --> 00:05:27,475 To not accept any longer that this is as good as it gets to really 74 00:05:27,475 --> 00:05:32,035 start doing the work that was required to live a life I loved. 75 00:05:32,575 --> 00:05:36,595 It took a lot and I was taught not to want. 76 00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:41,875 I was taught that what we want doesn't even actually matter 77 00:05:42,235 --> 00:05:44,185 that my feelings didn't matter. 78 00:05:45,175 --> 00:05:51,115 And so, from a very broken place, I came up with a ton of ideas about 79 00:05:51,115 --> 00:05:58,315 who I am, who I was, what I deserved, what I was capable of achieving, and 80 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:03,235 that very much carried over into the relationships I had with human beings. 81 00:06:03,534 --> 00:06:08,425 not just the intimate relationships I had with men, but also my 82 00:06:08,425 --> 00:06:10,705 friendships and connections. 83 00:06:11,305 --> 00:06:13,825 My whole community was limited. 84 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:17,740 I was limiting myself. 85 00:06:18,430 --> 00:06:22,870 And that's a hard thing to hear, especially when it's 86 00:06:22,870 --> 00:06:24,820 being told from yourself. 87 00:06:25,450 --> 00:06:31,000 Oh, I didn't believe I was worthy of being a part of a thriving community. 88 00:06:31,420 --> 00:06:35,349 I didn't feel like I had anything to offer and I was super scared that 89 00:06:35,349 --> 00:06:37,240 people would find out who I really was. 90 00:06:38,004 --> 00:06:42,054 So I was very broken at that time. 91 00:06:42,054 --> 00:06:49,194 I carried with me tons of shame and from a place of shame and brokenness, it's really 92 00:06:49,194 --> 00:06:53,784 hard to believe you are deserving of more. 93 00:06:54,174 --> 00:06:58,405 I truly believed that this was as good as it would get excluded myself 94 00:06:58,434 --> 00:07:00,745 from any opportunity to change that. 95 00:07:01,765 --> 00:07:06,835 So for me, I just couldn't believe it was possible to have the types of meaningful 96 00:07:06,835 --> 00:07:08,784 connections that I really wanted. 97 00:07:09,475 --> 00:07:15,385 I kept wanting and wishing, but never believed I deserved any of it. 98 00:07:15,715 --> 00:07:19,284 And if you do not believe something is possible, it's not. 99 00:07:20,095 --> 00:07:25,345 I excluded myself by choice and I did it for a really long time. 100 00:07:26,185 --> 00:07:30,265 I'm sure if I really thought about it, I could come up with an even 101 00:07:30,294 --> 00:07:35,305 earlier example, but one of the first indicators that I can remember where 102 00:07:35,305 --> 00:07:40,705 this was a problem for me, that I was limiting myself, that I was scared 103 00:07:41,155 --> 00:07:45,865 of building what I wanted for myself, was my junior year of high school. 104 00:07:46,585 --> 00:07:49,794 I had been kicked out of my dad's house and sent to live with my 105 00:07:49,794 --> 00:07:51,805 mom in a super dramatic way. 106 00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:53,365 It wasn't pleasant at all. 107 00:07:54,250 --> 00:07:57,760 I guess it was just becoming a little too hard to raise me. 108 00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,110 And so he made a choice. 109 00:07:59,559 --> 00:08:05,199 It could have been my weaponized mouth, constantly skipping school, partying 110 00:08:05,199 --> 00:08:06,710 on the weekends, even on the weekdays. 111 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,370 Like I was crying out for help. 112 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:13,060 And he was only doing what he felt he could do. 113 00:08:13,090 --> 00:08:14,710 So he sent me to live with my. 114 00:08:15,550 --> 00:08:20,860 I very quickly made a few friends, one who really stuck and might be listening. 115 00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:24,730 Anyway, hindsight is 2020. 116 00:08:25,270 --> 00:08:26,290 He did the right thing. 117 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,800 I was actually beginning to make better choices. 118 00:08:30,460 --> 00:08:37,240 I was beginning to mend the relationship with myself for probably the first time... 119 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:37,960 ever. 120 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:42,230 I know this is true because I can see the evidence that I was. 121 00:08:43,444 --> 00:08:46,055 I love musicals. 122 00:08:46,305 --> 00:08:50,624 I have so many clear memories of me watching different musicals and 123 00:08:50,624 --> 00:08:54,734 thinking to myself, like one day, I'm going to be up on a stage and I'm 124 00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:57,165 going to sing and act and do it all. 125 00:08:58,020 --> 00:08:59,970 I sang in my choir. 126 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:04,080 I performed on stage before, but it was always, I always 127 00:09:04,170 --> 00:09:07,740 audition for the silly parts. 128 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:14,640 I was Elvis and Jesus Christ superstar, my friend, Jamie and I in like eighth grade 129 00:09:14,850 --> 00:09:17,430 won the talent show singing love shack.. 130 00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:23,715 I always positioned myself in a way where I was comedic. 131 00:09:23,805 --> 00:09:30,105 I was trying to make people laugh versus see that I was actually any good. 132 00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:33,180 So I limited myself a lot. 133 00:09:33,570 --> 00:09:38,640 And my junior year of high school I must've started to build up my self esteem 134 00:09:38,670 --> 00:09:47,730 because I heard that we were doing the musical three sisters and I signed up. 135 00:09:47,940 --> 00:09:52,200 I will never forget how it felt to sign my name up on a sheet of paper. 136 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,364 My hand was legit trembling. 137 00:09:55,444 --> 00:09:59,854 The amount of courage it took me to go and stand up on that 138 00:09:59,854 --> 00:10:03,185 stage to edition is astounding. 139 00:10:03,364 --> 00:10:05,675 I don't remember any of it. 140 00:10:05,734 --> 00:10:07,655 I do not remember a thing. 141 00:10:07,655 --> 00:10:10,165 I completely blacked out, but I did it.. 142 00:10:10,574 --> 00:10:11,840 And then, you know what, friends? 143 00:10:12,140 --> 00:10:15,470 I got one of the leading roles and I never showed up. 144 00:10:16,670 --> 00:10:17,570 I didn't show up. 145 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:20,240 Amy: I could just like cry when I think about it. 146 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:23,270 It's one of the, one of my great regrets, but you know what? 147 00:10:23,270 --> 00:10:24,830 Everything happens for a reason. 148 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:29,780 So it is what it is, but I didn't show up because I didn't believe in myself. 149 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:33,364 I didn't believe that I would ever be a part of a theater community 150 00:10:33,364 --> 00:10:36,814 that I wouldn't have what it takes that I didn't belong there. 151 00:10:37,384 --> 00:10:38,704 So I excluded myself. 152 00:10:39,615 --> 00:10:43,986 And that is the first piece of strong evidence of what I was creating. 153 00:10:44,526 --> 00:10:48,156 I didn't believe I deserve to connect with the people and the 154 00:10:48,156 --> 00:10:50,556 types of relationships that I craved. 155 00:10:51,186 --> 00:10:52,326 Just last week. 156 00:10:52,356 --> 00:10:55,086 I did something that made me highly uncomfortable. 157 00:10:55,176 --> 00:10:56,796 I love to walk. 158 00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:57,846 I love to hike. 159 00:10:58,146 --> 00:10:59,196 I love to camp. 160 00:10:59,436 --> 00:11:00,552 I love to ride my bike. 161 00:11:00,992 --> 00:11:02,883 I also Don't have anybody to do that with. 162 00:11:03,303 --> 00:11:10,518 Instead of sitting in my house wishing I had people to do that 163 00:11:10,518 --> 00:11:15,828 with, I found a Facebook group full of them in my local area. 164 00:11:15,878 --> 00:11:22,478 I cannot tell you in words, how excited I am to go on my first hike 165 00:11:22,568 --> 00:11:25,148 or overnight hiking, camping trip. 166 00:11:25,358 --> 00:11:26,558 I have never done that. 167 00:11:26,588 --> 00:11:30,338 And the thought of it just excites me. 168 00:11:30,638 --> 00:11:34,448 I'm sharing this because I want you to see what's possible. 169 00:11:35,258 --> 00:11:40,658 It is possible to have the types of relationships and community that you want. 170 00:11:40,958 --> 00:11:46,508 You can call it into existence by one being honest about yourself 171 00:11:46,898 --> 00:11:52,838 and about what you want and two, learning why you don't have it. 172 00:11:53,198 --> 00:11:56,498 And three doing the work to believe you can. 173 00:11:57,398 --> 00:11:58,028 That's it. 174 00:11:58,658 --> 00:12:00,998 If you don't believe you can, you never will. 175 00:12:01,448 --> 00:12:04,208 If you don't believe it's possible, it's not. 176 00:12:05,123 --> 00:12:06,683 Our thoughts create our reality. 177 00:12:07,373 --> 00:12:08,633 This didn't happen overnight. 178 00:12:09,443 --> 00:12:15,743 I didn't go from feeling like I couldn't have the community and friendships 179 00:12:15,743 --> 00:12:17,783 that I wanted to creating it. 180 00:12:18,173 --> 00:12:20,303 It took a literal year. 181 00:12:20,543 --> 00:12:25,253 It took me a year to get to the place where I could invite 182 00:12:25,253 --> 00:12:26,513 people to coffee that I did. 183 00:12:27,148 --> 00:12:35,638 As I started to heal my trauma and accept myself, forgive myself, and to let go 184 00:12:35,638 --> 00:12:40,858 of the shame that weighed me down for years and years and years, I changed. 185 00:12:40,858 --> 00:12:43,468 And as I changed, so did my thoughts. 186 00:12:44,288 --> 00:12:48,248 I started to believe that it was possible to be friends with 187 00:12:48,428 --> 00:12:50,348 people that I always felt beneath. 188 00:12:50,378 --> 00:12:51,158 Hello? 189 00:12:51,788 --> 00:12:52,778 Oh my God. 190 00:12:52,868 --> 00:12:57,038 The way we talk to ourself matters, what we believe is 191 00:12:57,038 --> 00:12:59,438 possible becomes our reality. 192 00:12:59,918 --> 00:13:01,238 It is all connected. 193 00:13:01,238 --> 00:13:06,608 Our thoughts create our feelings, dictate our actions and are a 194 00:13:06,668 --> 00:13:09,478 clear indicator of our results. 195 00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:15,923 I had to get really intentional about the thoughts that were being offered to me. 196 00:13:16,493 --> 00:13:21,623 I had to not so much control them, but definitely begin to manage my mind 197 00:13:21,923 --> 00:13:27,593 and choose which thoughts that I would just accept and which thoughts that 198 00:13:27,593 --> 00:13:32,393 I would understand the root of where they were coming and let them go. 199 00:13:33,983 --> 00:13:39,923 And when I began to be intentional with my thoughts and I started to 200 00:13:39,923 --> 00:13:47,363 feel more confident and worthy of having the life that I deserve and the 201 00:13:47,363 --> 00:13:52,673 people that I want to call into it, I started to create what I am living. 202 00:13:52,673 --> 00:13:58,553 That reality right now, and I'm continuing to call new people into my community. 203 00:13:58,823 --> 00:14:02,123 I understand why I couldn't before. 204 00:14:03,068 --> 00:14:10,448 So today, if you do not have the relationships that you crave, if you are 205 00:14:10,448 --> 00:14:16,358 not part of a thriving community and you wish with all your heart, you were... 206 00:14:17,318 --> 00:14:19,118 ask yourself what is going on. 207 00:14:20,048 --> 00:14:22,118 What thoughts are you having? 208 00:14:22,388 --> 00:14:28,568 When you see human beings exchange energy, and you look at them, and the thought 209 00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:33,818 that comes to surface, the thought that is offered to you is I wish I had that. 210 00:14:34,778 --> 00:14:39,488 If you don't, you need to ask yourself why, because that 211 00:14:39,488 --> 00:14:41,258 is where the work starts. 212 00:14:41,768 --> 00:14:44,168 You deserve to have a life that you love. 213 00:14:45,388 --> 00:14:47,218 You are living it right now. 214 00:14:47,218 --> 00:14:50,158 You just have not fully awakened to it. 215 00:14:50,908 --> 00:14:57,028 You deserve a hundred percent of all the happiness there is in this life for you. 216 00:14:57,268 --> 00:15:00,658 You deserve to have the connections that you crave. 217 00:15:00,958 --> 00:15:04,708 You deserve to be part of a thriving community. 218 00:15:05,428 --> 00:15:10,108 You are deserving and worthy of anything you want, regardless of your 219 00:15:10,108 --> 00:15:12,220 whole heartedly believe that you can. 220 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,974 it doesn't change anything. 221 00:15:15,454 --> 00:15:20,344 The fact remains that what you desire is meant for you, or you never would 222 00:15:20,344 --> 00:15:22,354 have desired it in the first place. 223 00:15:23,344 --> 00:15:26,254 We are here to live life and enjoy it. 224 00:15:26,254 --> 00:15:30,214 To create, to have meaningful relationships with each 225 00:15:30,244 --> 00:15:33,214 other, to experience joy. 226 00:15:33,484 --> 00:15:35,974 That is what this life is all about. 227 00:15:35,974 --> 00:15:39,184 That is what makes physical life amazing. 228 00:15:40,249 --> 00:15:44,659 So please, do not sit on the sidelines for another second! 229 00:15:45,259 --> 00:15:50,809 Do not suffer, wishing and wanting to a part of something that you 230 00:15:50,809 --> 00:15:52,789 currently are afraid to join. 231 00:15:53,899 --> 00:15:54,769 Do the work. 232 00:15:55,189 --> 00:15:56,749 Find out what's going on. 233 00:15:56,749 --> 00:15:59,209 Find out how your thoughts are stopping you. 234 00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:01,489 And if it is trauma, heal it. 235 00:16:01,969 --> 00:16:03,409 Find somebody to work with. 236 00:16:03,859 --> 00:16:05,599 Seek out therapy. 237 00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,779 This is not as good as it gets. 238 00:16:09,339 --> 00:16:11,889 You can live a life you love. 239 00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:14,199 Roots change! 240 00:16:14,979 --> 00:16:16,809 With every choice you make. 241 00:16:17,799 --> 00:16:25,779 Until the next time, you are loved, you are worthy, and you can achieve anything.